Pride month and me??

 In December of last year I came out as asexual, very weird because I always I though I was heterosexual due to my tendency with boys. . . the fictional ones, not actors, just anime boys, but it's either was sexual. I knew since 15 y/o I was actually more sexually inactive my friends already wanted bad some boyfriend, girlfriend or themfriend for sexual and romantic purposes, or they already had some lover. I rarely looked for a lover in both ways, I was already happy being alone, either I liked romantic stuff, I never liked the romantic things when I created stories because I don't have a need for it. My exception was my boyfriend, because we both love politics, history and video games.

It was pretty curious this come-out, because I never though about my sexuality a lot -"I think I'm heterosexual because I like boy characters being rebellious or villains, but not in a sexual either romantic way" me just one year ago-, even I was probably non-binary at my 15s, but I never became it totally because in those year the concept of being non-binary still didn't arrive at Latam, so I just identified as a girl because I knew I was biologically a woman and it was never a problem for me, if I feel I was something it wasn't a problem, I am not doing bad against no one (today I identify as cisgender). Also, when I started to thing I was asexual, it didn't bothered me, if I am heterosexual I'm just it, if I was asexual I'm just it too, maybe I'll have more libido at the future, no one knows, at the end of all I was still a teenager. . . and suddenly I'm 19 going to 20, still virgin with just two boyfriends at life, one by social pressure and the other is because I genuinely like him, we are in a 4 years relationship AND I'M STILL VIRGIN BECAUSE I NEVER FELT A SEXUAL FEELING ASGFJDSF.

I started to think I was more asexual when in a dream (very cursed one, like the majority of my dreams, I should translate some for y'all because they are too funny), I dreamed I was protecting puppies, so for some reason it was a great idea to protect them in a backrooms-like basement from a haunted mansion (curiously they were save), and for some reason I needed to protect them with a Royale High halo, but because I didn't want to use mines (winter halo 2020), I went to the fountain to get one, and because by Pride month the fountain was giving pride halos AND I GOT THE FRICKING CIS-HETEROSEXUAL HALO JASHDFSDFDSFJ but it had the asexual flag colours. When I wake up I knew it means about my actual feelings about myself.

When I came out, I discovered actually a lot of asexual stuff were totally relatable to me and had more sense. For example, I didn't know the majority of autistic people declared themselves as asexual and/or non-binary by the disconnection of body and mind, something it has a lot of sense for me as an autistic girl (my mind is so disconnected from my body that when I started to get up my feet while walking recently at 13 y/o like a normal person, I used to walk curved with dragging my feet with the ground). Also, my gynecologist said normally if the kid at 15 years old or older didn't have so much sexual tension, it means the body just it's not so tend to create libido, so I was probably just very few sexually active. Even, I like a lot more sharing time with my boyfriend in very few romantic and sexual stuff, because I feel I can give everything of my care for him like that.

I remember when I told my family and friends this, it wasn't a big change, it was the first thing I noticed, because everyone knew I was sexually inactive. Now, my parents were the most confused, my dad was like "but you have boyfriend", but he didn't question it so much, at least I wasn't going to make random children everywhere lol.

Now in the darker side of this, I'm even today afraid of having lovers and to can't pleasure them. People tend to say me -specially old women- I should pleasure sexually if I have boyfriend or husband, but I don't want to! If I want to give them pleasure because they deserves it, I will and they don't need to be guilty because I compromise for them, but my way of love is curiously not only not sexual, it's either so romantic too: when I joke with them or do silly stuff I'm showing my best way of love, because I only need them laughing to feel good with them. When I came out, I never get bothered when they question a little because here is still uncommon to understand this whole gender ideology, I'm patient, but when the people start saying I should try to look better at my body because maybe I'll be sexually frustrated at the future or I'm ill because maybe I'm having some physical pain while experimenting sexual tension or by deformations in my sexual organs, it BOTHERS ME SO MUCH. I don't want to advance soon in sex if I will feel some pleasure, because if I'm going to do it against my will, I'll just experiment pain and I'll become afraid of sex. It's either an illness, I already went to the gynecologist and I have perfectly normal and healthy sexual organs, I just don't want to have sex because. . . I don't feel nothing directly, I even still can be pregnant. And I wont talk about those people who tries to show you that "you will like it" abusing you or showing you awful things you don't want to watch it because you see it not provocative or even painful. Ok, to be honest, those people I just mentioned do that with everyone to prove it regardless gender and sexuality :p it's just for dominance.

Asexual people are very invisible because we almost never need some sexual pleasure, so I understand if we don't have so much representation in media, like, if some series have some character they will do nothing lol, maybe they will be like, meanwhile the others are kissing, the ace will be doing absolutely nothing XD. So I don't get bothered with that stuff, I'm more worried to show why sexual harassment is bad because it will be useful for everyone instead just for one type of people.

I wont say I'm proud of being asexual, I'm just asexual and if I don't want sex, I just don't want, but for other ones it's important because they receive sexual harassment and abuse to prove them "they will like it" and obviously it creates trauma for life, so they need to show there are people who don't want nothing with sex for not being menaced. That's the reason why it exist an asexual classification in the lgbtq+ ideology.

You don't need to believe me if I'm asexual or not, but I wish you wont try to prove me I have sexual repression because I don't. Every sexuality wont like have sex if they don't want, it should be basic.

 

Btw, I realized when I write or talk in English, I do it like if I'm a valley girl XD valley girl rejected and sent to an unknown country who no one cares about BAHAGHDSHGDS. Well, I'm in theory a valley girl in my country. . . xd

Update: I'm still wondering what happens with me in this because I think, repreat, THINK I'm heterorromantic just by cultural influence, because if it's about real me I'm maybe just a random romantic everything? At the end of all I never wanted to identify a specific sexuality but when I discovered the asexuality I was like "daaamn this is me"